I miss you, My little Man.
Oh by the way, here is me 37 and 1/2 weeks prego. I know I am behind. Sorry. Can't keep up.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Some Hard Days
I've had some hard days recently. Possibly because I am so anxiously anticipating getting little JJ here. Hopefully alive. Hopefully healthy. But also because of what JJ's arrival had meant to. It has meant gathering clothes together, the last time I touched many of these clothes Gavin's sweet little self was in them. It has meant cleaning out drawers that have been filled with Gavin's clothes since he left. I don't want to move them. I want to leave them there. I had done laundry the day before Gavin went home, so all of his clothes were clean and folded in his drawers. I would leave them there, but as Jaron has pointed out, "Where will we put JJ's clothes he's wearing?". I don't know. I just miss my little boy. I just want to keep every little bit of him that is left around. I know it makes no sense to save crusty cheerios, leave clothes folded the way they were, not clean his bed sheets, it's just that I miss him, and I look at these items and think, "The last time.... If I could go back in time...he would have this cheerio hanging out on his cheek. He would be pulling this shirt out of the laundry. He would be sleeping and drooling all over this bed sheet." Maybe I hope that one day they'll create a way to go back in time, you just have to have an item they touched, as if they left a part of themself there. These last few days have been the hardest. The closer I get, the harder it gets. The more anxious I feel. I wish Friday would get here already.
I miss you, My little Man.
Oh by the way, here is me 37 and 1/2 weeks prego. I know I am behind. Sorry. Can't keep up.
I miss you, My little Man.Oh by the way, here is me 37 and 1/2 weeks prego. I know I am behind. Sorry. Can't keep up.
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14 comments:
It totally makes sense to me keeping cheerios and not changing the sheets, and... Seriously. Bridget's swing was up and it was *her* swing. And I couldn't bear to take it down. We weren't planning on her sister coming to our family as soon as she did, and when I found out we were having another girl it was crazy to think about the swing (and everything else that is Bridget's) and think about how people would just think the new baby was *REPLACING* her. And how wrong they were. So the swing stayed up ever since Bridget died, and all the way until this last week. My husband decided to steam clean the carpets, and didn't even think about how taking the swing out of the room might affect me. I wasn't prepared for it being gone. And he just moved it to the other room. But it was really hard. I think of you every day and wonder how you are doing with the pregnancy and with the grief of missing Gavin. I am glad I can check in on your blog. I wish there was anything I could do. It's a strange journey.
Wow - you look so cute! Your belly is still so tiny. I've missed seeing you for a while and hope things go well with your new baby arriving soon. It's such a mix of emotions to have another baby after loosing one. Thanks for keeking us updated!
Sheryl
That must be so hard what you're going through right now. I hope and pray that things will get better and that JJ will bring so much joy into your family, even though he won't ever replace Gavin.
I took all my mom's clothes and made quilts for my brothers. she had enough clothes that i made cool patterns and stuff. I even saved a few squares to sew into quilts for my babies. My dad helped me cut the squares out and it was really hard for him but also really good. I don't think you are weird at all. I remember the last gift my mom gave me was a shirt from the buckle and one of my roommates dried it and shrunk it and I sobbed the whole day. I felt crazy for doing it but I couldn't stop. I am sorry this is so hard for you. I am a little jealous that Heavenly Father thinks enough of you to know you can withstand this kind of trial. What a blessing JJ has to have a brother that loves him so much watching him constantly.
It makes perfect sense to me, too. I have several things of Jacob's that I never washed that I put away in his hope chest (clothes, sippy cups, etc.). It took me 2 years to finally clean the crayon off the glass on our gas fireplace. Packing everything away is really hard, but it is healing, too.
Having a baby after our loss was so different than when my other children arrived. I was much more aware of the closeness of the veil. And holding my daughter in my arms was so healing. It didn't minimize losing Jacob, but it did "force" me to move on and find joy in life.
We've meant to have you over for dinner. I haven't forgotten! But I needed some time after losing Katherine and now we're all sick. We'll have to do it this summer when we are well and your baby is old enough that you feel comfortable bringing him out in public!
Love,
Angenette
I'm sorry this journey is so hard! I wish there was something I could say or do to make the grief and pain all go away. I keep you in my prayers daily, and hope you can find some peace. I am excited to see little JJ :)
I'm sorry things have been tough for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through those things and get them ready for the new baby. I think Gavin would want you to use those things for his brother and to make room for JJ, but I'm sure it can't be easy. I think of you often and what you must go through. Know you are thought of often and we love you.
I hope all goes well in your delivery.
Btw: Your hair looks really cute!
You look way cute. You're definitly all belly, and that's definitly all baby. Did you gain any extra weight at all? I'm excited that tomorrow is Friday. I wish you the best of luck. You will be in my prayers. I imagine it will be a very special day for you and Jaron. We all are missing Gavin. He'll be there with you in that hospital room!
That makes alot of sense and I think that is a normal response to loss. You will soon start a new journey with your little JJ and for now, your journey with Gavin is just being put on hold. You aren't really saying goodbye to him to move his things- just see you later for now. I know it must seem like forever away but one day you will be raising him again.....and that will be forever. I am excited for your little boy to be here- don't be afraid to let yourself be happy as a mother to another child. I'm sure that is what Gavin wants. Good luck on Friday!!! :) I can't wait to hear about your experiences the 2nd time around. This time remember to push that little button and if you see the light do not go into it! haha....
I wish I could fast forward time for you until tomorrow. Thinking of you!!
michelle,
I don't know why, but you were totally on my mind yesterday while my baby had surgery. i think it makes total sense that it's hard to let those last things change because it makes it all too real. i just keep thinking that my guy is now about the age your little guy was and I'm amazed at how you've gotten through so much of this. You look awesome - even if you don't feel it right now. keep us updated on the new little one and especially on your old little one.
I understand it is hard to move Gavins stuff. I wish that I could be there to help you out. Please know that our hearts and prayers are with you and Jaron and baby JJ tomorrow. We love you guys. Gavin will be right there with you all the way, and helping JJ come to this wonderful world where he has two ver loving and devoted parents here to greet him and teach him everything he needs to know. We will be praying for you extra tomorrow.
Hi, you don't know me but I stumbled across your blog a few months ago. I check in every few weeks to see how you are doing.
I just have to let you know that the stories you post have touched me so much! I have a little boy that is 17 months right now and just really can't imagine the pain of losing him. I think I would feel the same way you do. I would want everything to stay exactly where it is. Everything you write, all your emotions, really touch me.
You have helped me remember that life is short and to love and appreciate my children every day. When I read your blog I cry each and every time, but I get up and try to be a better mom.
Good luck with your new little boy. You and your family are always in my prayers.
~Kati
You look darling.
Hope everything goes well with the delivery of JJ.
Love Tami
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