Words can't express how grateful I am for Sawyer in our life. He loves to snuggle. Loves to be held and rocked to sleep, and he sleeps so much better when he is in bed with Jaron and I. It feels good to have this car seat full.
And one would never know how much they miss something until it's gone. Like a basket full of dirty baby clothes.
Or a garbage can full of wonderfully stinky poopy diapers. You would be surprised how much you love the smell of a stinky diaper until it's missing.
Or how nice it is to snuggle up in the morning together. It's nice to have a bed full of 3 people, it's a tight squeeze, but amazingly empty when there is only two people in it. Grateful to have 3 again.
Or the backseat of a Car that is no longer empty. There is too much room with out this honker taking up some space. It's nice to have again.
Or a car seat filled with the sweet little soul just fresh from Heaven. Wonderful.
But to be honest there are something that I have found shocking....surprising... not sure what the right word is. Surprised how much of the "missing" is still here. How the emptiness in my arms isn't gone. Sawyer has filled them, but they still miss the weight of Gavin in them. How much I miss reading these books to Gavin.
How much the missing is still so sharp every time I see this empty crib.
How heavy my heart is when I walk in this room and still smell my little Gavibear.
How much I wish that Sawyer and I were watching Big Brother play at his leap frog table.
How much it hurts to see THIS empty car seat.
We are so thrilled and over joyed to have Sawyer in our life, but surprised how much the missing remains. I knew the missing would never go away. How could it? But I guess I thought that "filling" my arms would be more healing. I thought more of the missing would have gone.Instead my arms are full but my right hip certainly feels empty still. So grateful we remain for this little soul of Sawyers, and how brave he is to have come to this family at this time. But still missing his Big Brother Gavers, and the fun we would be having together. Waiting for that day, but trying to find Joy in the Journey in the mean time.
And one would never know how much they miss something until it's gone. Like a basket full of dirty baby clothes.
Or a garbage can full of wonderfully stinky poopy diapers. You would be surprised how much you love the smell of a stinky diaper until it's missing.
Or how nice it is to snuggle up in the morning together. It's nice to have a bed full of 3 people, it's a tight squeeze, but amazingly empty when there is only two people in it. Grateful to have 3 again.
Or the backseat of a Car that is no longer empty. There is too much room with out this honker taking up some space. It's nice to have again.
Or a car seat filled with the sweet little soul just fresh from Heaven. Wonderful.
But to be honest there are something that I have found shocking....surprising... not sure what the right word is. Surprised how much of the "missing" is still here. How the emptiness in my arms isn't gone. Sawyer has filled them, but they still miss the weight of Gavin in them. How much I miss reading these books to Gavin.
How much the missing is still so sharp every time I see this empty crib.
How heavy my heart is when I walk in this room and still smell my little Gavibear.
How much I wish that Sawyer and I were watching Big Brother play at his leap frog table.
How much it hurts to see THIS empty car seat.
We are so thrilled and over joyed to have Sawyer in our life, but surprised how much the missing remains. I knew the missing would never go away. How could it? But I guess I thought that "filling" my arms would be more healing. I thought more of the missing would have gone.Instead my arms are full but my right hip certainly feels empty still. So grateful we remain for this little soul of Sawyers, and how brave he is to have come to this family at this time. But still missing his Big Brother Gavers, and the fun we would be having together. Waiting for that day, but trying to find Joy in the Journey in the mean time.
14 comments:
I love the pictures. Keep them coming.
I know what you mean. My arms are full but my heart is still partly empty. Sawyer sure is a cutie and I love his name.
Congrats on the new one. I hope it help feels the hole in your heart.
Kendalee
Loughlin and Rhiannon's mom
Sawyer is so cute! He looks like a perfect little angel. I am sure Gavin misses you too. You are in my prayers
I was glad to read your post today- I've been wondering how you were doing. Memory is a tricky thing. You want to hang on to sweet memories but at the same time those memories hurt because you remember what you are missing. At least some day there will be a time when your family is together and no one is missing. When I think of your family it really helps me to keep an eternal perspective.
By the way, Sawyer is adorable! He must be quite a strong little spirit!
The only way that the pain of losing Gavin can be eased is by being filled with the hope and the peace that the temple gives us that we will be together again. What a happy day that will be. Thanks for reminding me about the joy in the journey until we get there.
You have made me think twice about some of the things that I pretend to despise like the dirty diapers and things. I will definitely see them differently from now on.
You have described it well. We are just two weeks from hitting our 4 year mark.... I miss him so much. I wish....
He is such a cutie! Sawyer is definitely your rainbow baby. We all miss Gavin and no one will ever replace him.
Sawyer is getting so big. He's so cute! We all still miss Gavin. I am excited to meet Sawyer as well.
I don't think our family will ever be complete on this earth. Every time I look back to see if my boys are buckled up in the car, I also see the missing spot where Gabe should have been. When the family prays at night my heart aches knowing my son is not there. When the boys wrestle, I hear my Gabe tell me that he wishes he could be part of the games his brothers play. Although my arms are filled and my life is crazy Gabe is never replaced and is always missing. I just pray that my kids will find joy in this journey and have peace knowing they have a brother that is waiting for them and there when they need him. May we find joy in our journey.
Sawyer has filled our home with joy after a long 10 almost 11 months. No one will ever replace Gavin, like Tiera said, but like one candle can lite another candle without dimming its own flame, Sawyer's flame is warming our hearts here while Gavin's flame is also burning brightly, just temporarily out of our view.
I love your insight about Gavin. He still holds a big piece of your heart. Sawyer is a beautiful baby boy. You have helped me savor motherhood so much more, Michelle. Thank you.
I'm always thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. How hard it must be to have that empty spot, but also how happy you must be to have a new little guy to care for.
Thanks for reminding me to find joy in the journey and try enjoy things I despise doing as a mom.
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