Halloween and Missing Gavin

This year we dressed up as a family. Gavin is an Angel and has no choice what he gets to be so we dressed to match him. Jaron was very gracious and wore his wings for about 2 minutes. Longer then I expected and I have 1 picture, all and all that went well. We were a family of Angels.

That being said the rest of this will be ugly, I miss him so much. Jaron and I made pumpkins for Gavin and took them up to his Grave. When I got there to drop them off, there was a "new" temporary grave marker. Every other time I've been there it's just a plot of Grass. This was the first time his name was associated with this plot of grass. And I cried. I wanted to take it down. My little boys name shouldn't be on a flimsy piece of metal staked in the ground. It was a hard thing to see.

Today has been a hard day. I am missing that sweet little face so much today. I've been really nauseous with this baby and thrown up a few times, and I miss not having Gavin here to experience it with me. I know that he would have run into the bathroom with me each time and watched me throw up. I would've tried to keep him from playing in the toilet while I puked. And then he would have looked at me with that little Gavin grin of his and smiled at me, and then he would've opened his mouth and pretend to puke in the toilet too, with sound affects and all. Each time he would've looked at me to show me how funny he could be, and he would've done it over and over again until I stopped laughing. He was quite the comedian.

It's been daunting, thinking about the rest of my life. A mom on the "Angel Blog" posted, it's been 43 years since she buried her little boy. And she said that when she thinks about that day, it seems like yesturday and she's right back there again. She said that she was greatful for what happened. That she has felt him ever so near, always in her life, leading and guiding them along. I hope that one day I can look back and say that I am greatful for what happened, but right now it seems hard. Thinking about all the happy things in life. Thinking that at all the moments when there should be nothing but joy, I will have a twinge of sadness. Missionary Farewells, weddings, baby births, etc. I will be 98% happy and 2 % sad because I will know that there is a little boy missing from this picture. I am 25 years old!!!!! I shouldn't be dealing with this much grief!!!!!! I'm too young!!!!!!! I guess the one good thing, is that I have no fear of death anymore. Before it scared me. But now I believe that when the Lord chooses to take me home, I would welcome it with open arms. I would see my little boy again. I am grateful for the knowledge that we have, that we know there is life after this one. This is not the end. Now I have to be patient, and search for the Joy in the Journey.