Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A prayer I still say....
It's been 3 1/2 years since I buried my oldest son......3 1/2 years. Time and I don't understand each other anymore, because that doesn't make sense to me. I miss him. I think of him every day even after 3 1/2 years. The experience of finding my sweet boy not breathing has scarred me so deep words can't explain. And that's why there's a prayer I still say after 3 1/2 years.
Please, Father in Heaven, please let him be breathing.
I say it when I go and check on my boys in middle of the night, when I wake up in a panic because it's been more then 2 hrs since one of them woke up and cried or rustled or talked in their sleep. (both of them do by the way.) I say it when they have colds or fevers that put me on edge. I say it when their naps go longer then normal. I basically say it when I feel threatened in any way by sleep. (like this very moment. Nap time is going longer then normal.) I know I, (important person here being I) have to challenge myself, by not going in and waking them up. But during that time I stress myself out. I think of CPR on Gavin. Then I replace Gavin with Sawyer or Bear, but instead the ending is different, I have some divine inspiration and I know how to save them and they live. I don't know why I do that to myself, it doesn't help, really it stress me out more. I don't know if it's my brain still trying to process what I lived through or I'm subconsciously masochistic. Sometimes I can catch myself and stop. (Like what I'm doing right now) Sometimes i don't realize it until I've worked myself up to much. Either way it sucks.
Do you know that I haven't had a 4 hour stretch of sleep in... i don't know how long. My boys take turns waking up or if they miracle of miracle sleep longer then 3 hours then my body wakes up in a panic. I don't know what 4 hours would be like....But I guess I've improved a little. It used to be 2 hours.
Regardless, I wonder how long that prayer will be said.
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9 comments:
so sorry babe. i imagine its awful. my mind goes there whenever my kids sleep long because of Gavin... or they go a couple hours without changing sleep positions in the monitor. and it feels awful... but im sure yours in 100 times worse. or maybe 1000. im so sorry you have to think that way.
Hey Michelle, I miss you and check in on you once in a while. Your prayer is all to familiar. I used to be so excited when my babies suddenly started sleeping longer stretches. Now when they sleep longer than usual I wake up terrified, so agitated with myself for having slept longer, and rush into the room to find them just fine. But of course, I can't get back to sleep for the rest of the night. Sometimes I find myself holding my breath when I open the door to check on my sleeping baby. I'm so worried that I will discover something awful, and that is why they haven't woken up yet. It's a side of grief I never would have understood before experiencing it. How these traumatic moments will haunt us forever more. I agree with the time issue too - there's just no way its already been 4 years. The wound to my heart just feels so fresh still, I would have thought that 4 years would have brought more healing than it has.
I sure love you and Jaron and your boys are adorable! Sending my love - Sheryl
Michelle, I hope that you can find peace and comfort and that your Sawyer and Bear give you so many hugs and kisses when you need to be cheered up.
Love you guys! I am sending hugs your way.
I dont know how long or if we will ever get over our fears. Traumatic experiences become a part of you. I still can't drive at night without being paranoid and scared that I will hit someone again.
You are in my prayers constantly
My infant daughter slept until 9:30 this morning. I thought she'd died. Why wasn't she crying/hungry? I don't know. Maybe she's going through a growth spurt. But it's scary for sure. Prayers definitely turn different -more fervant - when the worst is actually a possibility in your mind. Our son died around the same time yours did. I think of him everyday, too.
I wake up in a panic too and pray that everything is alright and I've never been what you've been through. I would think that prayer is a constant especially when they are little. Hang in there and know that you are loved and thought about a lot.
It's hard to understand how permanently one can be scarred by such a horrific experience as you had. I can't imagine going without sleep for so long. I can say that your ability to still laugh and smile and keep your sharp sense of humor is a wonderful miracle.
Grieving is harder and longer than I thought it would be. Years later, I can still easily be set off. While I have never had one of my children beat me to heaven, I still constantly worry about it--every time naps go too long, etc. Even hearing about other people's experiences can get me emotional. For whatever reason, this seems to be part of a loving Heavenly Father's plan for us.
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