First, I apologize to all those that I should have visited, called, brought over a meal, sent a card,....etc. I am a hermit, and I am lost in my own world right now. For that I am sorry, I'm trying to find my way out, but it's dark, and hard, and I don't know where I'm going. I haven't been blogging much, it's because I'm certain that people would get sick of all the things in my head right now. I've been going to counciling, and that helps, she told me that I needed to get the thoughst out of my head, and if I couldn't talk about it to someone, then I should write it down.
I generally consider myself a happy person. I love laughing. I love making people around me laugh even more. This is not a laughing post. I'm sorry.
I miss him. This summer has been so much harder then last year. There is no way that it's been almost 2 years. That number is foreign to me. It's been a week...right? Not possible that it's been 2 years since I held my little angel.
I'm scared for him. Sawyer will be 14 months and 3 weeks old in 3 weeks. Does that mean that I only have 3 weeks left with my son? The fear and hurt can be so consuming. They choke me. All that emotion takes up so much space in my throat and then I can't breath. There's not enough room for air to get by. I end up taking little gasps of air, quick, short. There's not enough air. Jaron tells me to calm down and breath. I'm trying to breath! Can't you see that's exactly what I'm trying to do? I say to him... There's just not enough room.
Sometimes I am certain that I'm not going to make it the next 1-1 1/2 months. I know physically I'll live. (If I lived to walk out of the ER without Gavin, then certainly I'm going to live through this) But I wonder if I'll make it out unscathed. I tell Jaron, that sometimes I think I might go into a catatonic state and never wake up again. I miss Gavin, and I'm scared for Sawyer.
I haven't slept through the night in some time now. A month? 2 months? I'm not sure anymore I wake up between 3:30 and 4 am and don't fall back asleep until 6ish.I wake up with a start certain that Sawyer's not breathing. I rip the sheet back that divides our bed from Sawyer's crib, and hastily put my hand on his chest. He's breathing...I'm kind of surprised. Then I lay in bed and I'm haunted by the images of finding Gavin, when i was surprised to find him NOT breathing, of the ambulance driving away without me, of the Doctors face when I asked him if Gavin would live, of the words "I'm sorry, we've done everything we can, but your son is dead." And then sleep eludes me for the next 2 hours as I try to push the images away out of my mind.
Sawyer has been sick the last 2 days. Throwing up. With a fever. I haven't slept much. I'm blogging now, because sleep never did make it's way back around to me this morning. I just love my boys so much.
17 comments:
Oh Michelle,
My heart is with you. Tears...just tears flowed when I read your post. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I know the shortness of breath....it seems like that's the only way I can breath some days. It's all too familiar. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I thought that as time went on that it would be better, that it would be easier, but the second year must be harder than the first I'm learning. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. Loves to you and your sweet family. Love,Tif
I'm so sorry for all that you've had to go through these past two years. I sincerely hope that you can find peace and that these next few months and years get better and better. You'll be in my prayers.
I love you, Michelle! We're praying for all of you. I can't imagine how you feel. I love you.
Isn't it amazing how the time of year affects your state of mind and emotions? I'm so sorry that you are scared and struggling. I know what you mean about the crazy thoughts at night. Lately all I can seem to think about is when I found Mia gone. ARRGH! I hate it. I'm sorry for your pain. Know that I'm thinking of you especially at this time of year. For me it was Aug 29th. Coming right up. Love Ya! - Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^
(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you're feeling this way. You're in my prayers,
Janalee
I pray for you and your family nightly. I hope that one day the pain wont be so fresh. Just continue to enjoy Sawyer, and remember to take joy in the journey. We all need to. I love you and Jaron and Sawyer. I can't wait to give you a big hug next week. Hang in there hon. We love you!!
You are so strong and can make it through this. I promise.
While I know that I couldn't possibly understand most of what you have been through, this fear is something I'm very familiar with. In 2 days, it will have been 2 years since my son was diagnosed with 2 blood disorders that almost took his life multiple times. That day is paticularly hard for me and I find myself studying his every move and his behavior. I scour his body checking for symptoms or signs that the disease is recurring. I find myself digging through the memories of what he looked like in the thick of chemotherapy to compare & make sure that he does in fact look healthy now. Most days its just in the back of my mind but times like now or when he or his sister is running a fever or something than it can be all consuming and I end up on my knees searching for the comfort of the Spirit and confirmation that they are okay.
I guess I tell you this now to show that you can get through and each year the fear you have for Sawyer will lessen even if the pain doesn't.
My thoughts and prayers are with you often and especially this month.
oooh michelle. please dont think people dont want to haer this cuz I do. I really do want to know how you feel. I am so sorry for the anxiety and stress this has to cause you. walk over anytime. I love you.
Oh Michelle:
i'm so sorry. Know you are thought of and I will be praying for you. I've had anxiety attacks since Wyatt's death...they are awful. Another side affect of losing something so precious. The 2 year mark for me was almost harder than the 1 year mark. But it has gotten a little better a few months after the 2 year mark. It's just all those waves of grief that continue to come and go. It's just plain hard. Know you are not alone. Sending a huge hug your way. You will be in my prayers.
Love ya!
Andrea
Your in my prayers
Michelle,
I love you. I am sorry you are going though this. Lincoln just passed the age Parker was when he died on July 27th (our anniversary, none the less). It is a relief when they make it that far. I remember saying I just want to experience raising a child beyond 20 1/2 months. I would repeat it over and over and pray over and over. Now I have two children who have made it to that point and beyond. My fears are diminishing more and more and I find that a relief. Our lives will never be the same and yet if we can somehow become better people because of our angels... that is what I hope. I will pray for the peace and comfort to come to your heart and help you through this time. Please call or email if you need anything. I got your back!
You have the most amazing mother's love ever, Michelle. Sawyer is so darn cute. What a handsome little guy! I can see how you would be so fearful. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope so much that you can find peace and faith through this difficult time.
There are no words to express this loss and emptiness. I love you and pray for you, Jaron and Sawyer every day. Gavin is safe and I'm certain he's praying for you too!
Hang in there! We love you so much! Come on over anytime and you can tell me how much you hate my book recommendations. :)
D&C 6:36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
I just wanted to tell you that I think that you are amazing and so strong. I don't think that I can even express how much you have strengthened my testimony with your experiences in the past two years. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your struggles and your faith so honestly. I know that you must inspire so many others and I know that so many must be praying for you. Keep loving....some days that's just all that you can do. I hope that little Sawyer is feeling better!
I'm sorry Michelle. It is so tough sometimes. I hope you can find peace and comfort right now. There are just somethings in life we can't control. We may not understand things that happen to us, especially when we loose someone we love. It will all make sense when we die, and we will understand why we went through these hard times. I hope you will be able to sleep and have peace. Losing sleep over something you can't control just won't help. Know that we love you and think of you guys often. If I can ever do anything for you let me know.
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