As I write those numbers, I know it's a lie. The calender lies. The seasons lie. They all lie, because my heart and my arms tell me that it's been a week, maybe, since I last held you in them. Oh how I miss you. Words so in adequate to describe any of this. My love for you. My loss of you. The weird way that time stops working. No words. We miss you. My mind kept going back to that day, especially on the airplane home from Arizona. I felt so out of place sitting in my seat around all these people. They had no idea what today was. They had no idea what I had lost. My mind kept drifting to the clock, wondering what time it is. Thinking that "at this moment exactly 1 year ago, you were still alive". Then I thought of what would happen when it rolled 7:45 pm. Then it truly would be 365 days. I broke. I couldn't stop my tears. I couldn't breath. No matter how hard I tried to breath, it felt like I couldn't get enough air. It's not true. None of this can be true. I had to hand Sawyer to your Daddy because I just couldn't catch my breath. And then my left arm started to go numb, just like it did the night we handed you away to the Medical Examiner. Then I really couldn't stop. Oh how I miss you. My sweet precious son. I MISS YOU!! But know that there are people who love and care for me, too. I did get several very sweet letters. Letters of comfort. Letters of Love. Letters of Understanding. Thank you for your hand in that.
A mother's bond with her son is something special. Constant. True. Unending. And Gavin, I am so glad....honored that, that bond is with you. No one prepared me for how deeply I would love you. And no on prepared me for how deeply I would hurt when you left. You are my son. And grateful is not an adequate word for how I feel to call you mine. I love you. I always have, and my sweet son, I always will. I hope that you can feel that. And because My Gavibear, Christ triumphed over death so too, will my love for you triumph.
With enduring and TRIUMPHANT love
your mama
14 comments:
oh Michelle. I was wondering what you were doing today. I am so sorry. I a hoping Gavin is close by today.
We love you.
Our thoughts and prayers and with you at this rough time. I wish I could take some of the ache from you.
Oh Michelle, we were thinking about you so much yesterday!! I can't even imagine how hard yesterday must have been for you... but know that we love you :) And I miss you!! Call me so we can hang out soon!!
I think when our children die, and they progress into the eternities, there is TRULY a piece of us that goes with them. As their mommies, it makes time seem very dysfunctional as more of us than before is a part of a realm where there is no time. And yet, our mortal beings are captive to time. It is a sort of bondage, but in some ways it is voluntary. So we ache. We literally, physically ache as time passes and we cannot reach out and touch our little ones any longer. I think that if people could understand this better, they could understand how losing a child is very different than other losses they may be more familiar with (like a dear grandparent, for example). Grief has similar overlaps in all loss cycles, but there is an element of losing a child that is not a part of any other kind of loss cycle.
I'm sorry that Gavin is 366 days behind us. :( And yet I am also comforted that he is in the eternity around us! If only we could FULLY pierce through time, and sense the eternities in WHOLE, we would see that without time, there is no past or future or present. That our little ones have never left us. It really is only time that separates us. Mortal time. Sigh... and everyone thinks it helps to tell us that TIME heals. What an unfortunate misunderstanding. Time standing in the way...
I hope you have caught your breath today. Perhaps, I think, for the rest of our lives, we will have moments like that. Of missing. Missing so intensely and so deeply and... I wish I had something of comfort more to say. I have this terrible habit of rambling incoherently, so know I meant well.
i was thinking about you this week Michelle. Especially as my little guy is now 14 months and is getting a different personality, with all those naughty baby things he does. You and your husband are amazingly strong. Both Gavin and Sawyer are pretty lucky boys to have you caring about them.
Thinking of you on Gavin's angel day (a day late). I hope the spirit of comfort is with you. He is such a cutie. You are an amazing mom too. All my love, Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^
We were all thinking of you yesterday. Love you!
Sending my love your way. What a beautiful post!
Love,
Andrea
Thinking of you guys.
As you mourned we too were mourning but with tears of joy for a long full life well lived (Uncle John's mother died August 4). Still death is a period of separation that we only bridge when we leave mortality to be with our loved ones. Our prayers are with you and we have a special commemorative gift you will soon receive.
I posted this on Facebook on Tuesday, but just in case you didn't get it. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and how you must be doing. I can't imagine how you must feel. I just wanted you to know I have been thinking about you and what you went through on that dreadful day a year ago and I hope that you ...will find peace and love through our Heavenly Father. Love you.
What precious perspective you have. What a sweet special little boy Gavin is. You are right about a mother's love for her son. What a quick year too.
I am crying with you as your words could have been my own.
Sending you love and hugs from the other other side of the world.
Alison
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