This would've been the first year I had some one to "cheer" for in Primary. (Our church's children's Sunday school). Today was their Primary program. Gavin would've been a Sunbeam. Sometimes, scratch that, All the time I never know how I am going to react to situations that might have something to do with Gavin. Today was no exception.
In the counseling that I've participated in since Gavin passed away, they have told me that I have a tendency to disassociate...or something. AKA, I ignore the feelings and push them away until I am forced into a situation to confront them. Like today. I did't think about the primary program and how I might feel, I just push it out of my mind, until I am sitting in Church looking at all the children sitting on the stand and I am forced to recognize that the front row, where Gavin would be sitting, is completely empty of one little soul,...Gavin. Them my tears start and I try not to be obvious. I am certain that no one would have any idea why there are tears busting out of my eyes on to my cheeks. What is so emotional about a primary program? It's cute. And then how do I explain the hurt that I feel in my heart, how do I explain how much I miss that little boy, how do I explain that this adorable program is tugging at my heart? I'm okay, I'm crying but it's still under control. Then the Sunbeams get up, a little harder, but still doable. Then something I didn't see coming, the next class gets up and recites a song....a song I sang to Gavin....a song we sang at his funeral
My life is a gift
My life has a plan
My life has purpose
In heaven it began
My choice was to come, to this lovely home on Earth,
And seek for God's light to Protect me from birth
I will follow God's plan for me, holding fast to his word and his light
I will work, and I will pray, I will always walk in his way
And I will be happy on Earth, and In my home above
I have only heard that song twice, and sung it once since Gavin passed away. And I bawled all the way through each one. The one time I sung it was to my boys at bed time, and I missed Gavin so much. Grief is hard and exhausting, and I haven't sung it to them since.
I got to the beginning of the second sentence when there was no way that I could maintain any sort of composure. I handed off Sawyer to Jaron and promptly exited the building. Trying not to be seen on my way out. With visions of a little, white casket at the front of the church and all the people there singing that song for my son. To hard...I miss him. My hope is that one day I will be able to sit through a primary program and not get emotional....maybe when Sawyer makes it there? I don't know, because there will always be a presence missing.
The one super cute thing was Saywer kept asking me "You alright, Mom? Okay, Mom?" with his concerned look on his face. My boys are my saving grace. I told him that I just really missed Gavin right now, don't' know how much of that he understood, but it's a building block I guess.
10 comments:
Oh that would be so hard. I'm so glad you have your sweet little boys to help cheer you up and show their love and concern for you.
I hope the spirit brought you comfort.
Thanks for sharing. My prayers are with you today and through the holidays. These times are always the hardest and do seem to sneak up on you. Stay strong. You are amazing.
love you. i am so sorry. guess you were right when we talked about this last night.
Grief hits us when we least expect it. It's okay to loose it when we think we won't I'm the same way with my grief. I'm sure he was there in spirit singing right along with the rest of the sunbeams.
We love you Michelle. I hope that when Sawyer makes it there it too will be a little easier, for it will never be easy, but hopefully it will become more bearable. We love you so much. Hang in there, your doing an awesome job!!
I never cease to be amazed at how those moments can take you by such surpise. Yesterday was my Angel's 2nd birthday. I thought I was feeling strong, but I cried (fairly controlled) all through Sacrament meeting. The funny thing was that my husband was sustained yesterday as the 2nd counselor in the Bishopric so I imagine everyone thought the tears were because of that?? I feel your pain and heartache! --Melica (Hailey's mom)
Love you! I should have warned you that that song was a part of the program this year. I taught it to my primary and thought of Gavin every time we sung it. I also told my primary kids about him and about the song. Sawyer is a cutie though. He loves his mama and wants to make her feel better. Hugs to him and Barrett.
This was such a tender story. You are doing such a great job at moving forward. These empty moments pop up on me too. My prayers are with you.
Thank you for sharing thoughts from your heart. You have such an up beat personality naturally, (one of the many blessings you bring to our family), and I am so grateful that you haven't lost your fun loving nature even through this devastating experience and the emptiness of missing Gavin so much. Your example of faith in Jesus Christ and knowing we will be with Gavin again is strong even in times of great sadness. And sadness can coexist with faith. I want you to know that we think of Gavin a lot too. Many situations make me think back on all our happy memories of him, and also on that horrible week and months afterwards. Gavin will always be remembered and missed. I know he would want us to move forward with purpose to bring our family back to live with him when our work on this earth is finished. We love you Gavin, and we love you Michelle and Jaron!
Mom
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