It was any normal day. I went up to check our mail. With my In-laws going on a mission, My brother-in-law and sister-in-law (who moved in upstairs) have been organizing and collecting things. We have been assigned a mail box, and that's where my day changed. I grabbed the mail went downstairs and started going through it when I picked this up.
I was confused at first. I saw my name on it, and then I saw what the RX was for. Ambien. "Ambien...Ambien...why would I have a prescription of Ambien?" Then I looked at the date and started to bawl. It was August 10th. Then I knew why I had a prescription for Ambien. It was to help me sleep the night that my eldest son died. (it didn't help, nothing could.) Holding that paper in my hands took me back to that night. It was like I was there watching it play out like a movie. I was handing his perfect body to the medical examiner. Never to see or touch it again, in this life. And my heart ached. I hated that piece of paper in my hands. I wish that it didn't exist.
Occasionally, i find a receipt dated from when Gavin was still alive, and I feel melancholy. I close my eyes and try and imagine that moment at the store and him being alive laughing at me, crying, smiling at the people behind us. There is some happiness in the moment, because he is alive again, and then the sadness comes when that picture ends and reality is with me again. So i'st bittersweet.
But that piece of paper, it was just awful. No happiness. No sweetness. Just a lot of tears. Amazing what the simplest forms of pulverized pieces of wood can do to a heart. Bring it happiness and joy and peace or....hurt and grief. Here's to hoping the next piece of paper will be the first.
(But i must say looking back. And giving it a few days (this happened on Saturday or Monday...or somewhere in between) that Jaron was so confused when he walked in and I was crying. I handed him the paper and he said " Why are you crying about Ambien?". That was slightly funny:)
5 comments:
Love you Michelle. Sorry it was a rough day for you. That would be awful. We all love you.
I found a scattegories card in the box the other day that had my mom's handwriting on it. It made me cry and I kind of wanted to keep it and frame it or something.
I still have not been able to write in my journal about that dreadful day. There is nothing to say that will ever ease this kind of pain, but there is comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father and our Savior knows and understands this pain, and will bring comfort and understanding in the knowledge that the pain of today will turn into indescribable joy in the future. I love you Michelle and could not ask for a better mother for 3 of my 10 special grandchildren.
There are moments in life that are imprinted on our souls. These moments are always so close to the surface and yet they are moments that we try to hide. Gavin is such a special boy, he knew exactly what he was doing when he chose you as parents.
(hugs)
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