Tears Rolling Down My Face

You could guess by the title where this is going. This is a thinking, venting, hurting post. Sorry. I am doing just as the title states. Sitting here with tears rolling down my face. Why? I am reading the miraculous story about Bronson Staker. (Click here). Though I am so happy for this family and the sweet miracle they recieved, I am trying not to acknowledge the feelings of hurt that fill my eyes with tears when I think of the miracle that I so desperalty wanted, and yet did not recieve. The gift of life. Bronsons mom speaks of her pleas to heaven, I offered the same. As I gave my son CPR, that was all I could think of. But when the police man came, I jumped up to let him take over. I took 3 or 4 steps to get out of the little hall, to give the mecial workers room, and I promptly fell to my face, as low as I could get to the ground, and I pleaded. Oh, I pleaded. I said a prayer that only a mother could say. I begged for the life of my son. "Oh, Father. Please save my son. Ask whatever you may, but please save my little man. My sweet baby boy. Please God. Oh God please. Father I beg you. Save my baby." Probably the shortest prayer I have ever prayed. Guaranteed the most sincere. But that was not my miracle. I knew when they took Gavin away in the ambulance, he was gone. It wasn't my miracle to have.

I'm not sure, but I think this may have been the family my sister-in-law told me about. I prayed so hard for this family when Ralae told me. And I am so happy there is one less mother to be part of this group. I just wish that I, too, wasn't' a part of it. (Though, each and every angel mother I have met is a gift, and sweet presence of strength in my life. I would still trade knowing you all, for my son:)--I know you understand)

But I was, and am not miracle-less. The miracle I received was different, and quite honestly not the miracle I would've picked. It was the miracle of strength to endure. Endure the first year with all the holidays absent of that wonderful little boy. Endure the next year, with a little brother who would be laughing away at all the silly antics Gavin surely would've provided him. And to continue to Endure, until my time comes to wrap my arms around Gavin again. That is the miracle that IS mine. Though, given the chance I certainly would've traded. I must acknowledge credit where it is due, God knows me. He knows my pain. He did the very same thing. He loves me, though I am trepidations of his WILL now, I know that he understands. He knows my heart, and loves me still the same. And my little Gavin is still mine. For eternity. Thank you Lord, for providing away for families to be eternal. And thank you for my little miracles of Enduring. (even though, i would still trade, just so we are all clear on that:)

My heart has just been aching for him as of late. I'm not sure if it's the impeding anxiety that I feel for Sawyer, or what, but I can't stop thinking of THAT moment. I just have to remembe my miracle to endure. Even with THAT moment constantly surfacing over and over, I can still function. I can still be a good mommy for Sawyer. A miracle. Just remember that, Michelle.

I love you Gavers. With all my heart, forever and ever.
Mama