50/50

So, I was once again chastised by my sister for not updating more often. Honestly, it's been hard recently. I love laughing...wait that's not strong enough.... I LOVE LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!! And I love making other people laugh, even if it is at me. There is just a music to laughter that I can physically feel in my heart. It lifts, feels lighter, especially if I was some how responsible for that laughter.Thus, the way I've been feeling recently, well....The thing I DISLIKE doing the most is making someone else sad. I hate looking into some else eyes and seeing them hurt and feeling like I was the cause of their tears. (I don't mind tears, it's just if I feel responsible for them... I don't know) Anyway, I feel like part of me has been avoiding blogging because my heart has been hurting recently. I miss THAT little boy so much. My heart has been aching for him. What a crappy Christmas tradition to visit the cold, gray headstone of your precious angel child. Seriously sucks. And then hiding your tears because you don't want them to be contagious. ( Gives you a headache... I promise) And having so many thoughts in your head, but not wanting to speak them or type them because they aren't exactly uplifting. And trying hard to be up-lifting at this "joyous time of year". I've shed so many tears the past few weeks. Sometimes I think "I'm making it. I'm surviving. I think I can do this" and then weeks like this come and I think how much more? Can I do this another 60 years? My sweet Gavin would be 2 1/2 !!!! I would have a 2 1/2 year old running around, throwing wonderful tantrums, breaking things into a million beautiful pieces, and saying some of the funniest, most un-welcomed, truest things that come out of mouths. Forgive the pitty party, I just wish that I could give him a hug, a kiss, and whisper " Little one...I love you...more then you could know, sweetheart". Gavin, my baby boy. I love you. Missing you so much.
The snowman that Jaron built at the cemetery. We used dirt for the eyes, and a poinsettia plant for the hat, and tongue. The snowman was suppose to be Gavin sized, but Jaron got a little overzealous:)

After telling my sister that I have been struggling she told me I should still blog, just make sure it's 50/50. 50 Sawyer and 50 Gavin. Here is Sawyer's half....

What a bunny outfit? How does that fit? Well, my parents came up to visit us for Christmas and my mom saw this loaner Halloween outfit (I know, am I behind or what. Sorry Hailey, they're coming back I promise!!) My mom had to take pictures of Sawyer in the "Runner up" costume. He's so funny.
We played Rock Band to ring in the New year. Yes, folks that is right. This above picture is about as rare as a picture of a Yeti, or Sasquatch...maybe more so....No, your eyes are focused properly, that really is JARON singing on the microphone. Crazy.... I KNOW!!! (but I was so proud of him. Love you BABE!)

Sawyer thought his toes were more interesting then all the hulaboloo
Jessica and I are singing for our friends little girl. She was so stinking cute!! She would imitate what ever we did. So funny. Good times. Good times.
Case and point. There she is pointing as me and shaking her finer "no", because that was what I was doing. She was singing and everything, adorable!!! ( I live vicariously through friends and family and their toddlers:)
Grandpa and Soybean
One of the only pictures of me on Christmas. That's what happens when you are behind the family camera.
Jaron and one of his gifts.
Sawyers opening his present. He much rather preferred the wrapping paper, Oh well.
Thanks Aunt Ralae for this fabulous new toy!! I hope it lives to be gifted to another child!! Ha Ha, Just kidding.... I am sure he will love it........ If I ever let him play with it. (just kidding again) Anyway, Christmas was good. It was nice having my parents come up and spend it with us. And it was fun being with Jaron's family on Christmas eve. I'll have to steal some pictures from my mother-in-law of those nights festivities. We played "The Bag Game" Way fun, so stinking cute!! Pictures will only do this game justice. So you'll have to wait for now. Anyway, there were some fun times. Hopefully that was 50/50, and your at least leaving with a smile on your face. Hopefully.......:)