I have to write my thoughts down. I need to get them out of my head. Yesterday, we had a mandatory family CPR class. I said that if anyone didn't come, that person would be officially kicked out of the family. It was so extremely important to me. I was the one who did CPR on Gavin, and I guess it is one consolation. I was trained, I knew what to do, all that could be done was. And I wanted everyone in my family to have that training as well.
When Patti (the CPR) lady took the dummies out of their bags, my heart almost stopped when I saw the child dummy lying on the floor. It was the same size as Gavin. It was hard. I struggled fighting back tears for the first little bit, while I adjusted to this little figure lying on the floor that looked to close to my son. I've been thinking of him a lot recently. It's hard to explain, or really understand, I think, unless you've lost a child. But having Sawyer seems to make the missing of Gavin so much deeper. It seems to hurt more recently then it did before. Maybe part of it is that the 1 year mark is coming, I don't know. The missing is so strong and growing.
I was so excited for Sawyer to be born, I had heard of other mom's that felt their Angle Baby near when they welcomed their sibling in to the world. I was excited for my chance. But honestly, I didn't feel Gavin. Nothing. I was disappointed that I had missed out on this opportunity. Why didn't I get my chance to feel him near? I don't feel him. That has troubled me. I miss him so very much. Then I spoke with my Welcome baby visitor and friend Barbra. She lost her husband 5 years ago. She shared that she never feels her husband near, and someone told her, or she realized, I can't remember which. That maybe her husband knows that she loves him so much, that feeling his presence near would just break her heart again. And I wondered if maybe Gavin stays just far enough away that my spirit can't really feel his because he knows how much his Mama misses him. How much this separation hurts me. And maybe being too close would just make the missing hurt more, feeling his little spirit that I am missing. Maybe he is staying away to make sure that I bond with Sawyer like I should. (which I am, no body worry about that:) I don't know. I've just been thinking of that sweet, mischievous smile recently. I miss it so much. So right this moment I am hurting, I am missing Gavin, I am aching for his little hugs and slimy kisses.
10 comments:
Michelle... the times I feel Parker is usually in the temple... not other places. I too wish I could have felt him there as Tyler and Lincoln were born. I didn't either. I would bet most don't. I don't know why some get to and some of us don't. It is just hard. I have a VERY hard time as the angel day and birthdays approach. We just passed Parker's 4th Angel Day on the 15th. It was REALLY hard for me this year :(. I don't like it. I miss him more then ever in a lot of ways. I have a video of Tyler missing Parker that I will put on my blog tomorrow. Tyler will be twice as old as Parker tomorrow morning.... it sucks :(. Thinking of you... sorry you are so sad. Love brings a lot of tears, doesn't it?
One more thing... there are times I see Tyler and Lincoln sleeping and I HATE IT (especially when they are younger) because they look like Parker did when I held him in my arms. I have had many instances where the tears spring out unexpectedly (like when you were doing the CPR class). I guess it helps us not forget? Sigh.
How heartbreaking. What an interesting perspective your friend shared with you. I bet it is true--that's something I've never thought of/heard of before. I pray things will someday not hurt as much, if that is possible. I can't even imagine all of the pain you must feel. I admire you for keeping going!
I'm so sorry, Michelle. It's so hard to know when our angels are near. It can be so vague and confusing. Vic's great Aunt told me that the times we miss them the most are the times they are the nearest (which kind of goes with what you are saying...if you think about it). I wish feeling their presence was a clear and overwhelming feeling (or that we could SeE them). But it is so still and small and quiet like the holy ghost--that it is hard to know. i think approaching the year mark is a HUGE thing and that is definitely making it hard as well.
Is there anything I can do for you? I'm so sorry.
I am grateful for the CPR/first aid training I have received also. David was choking the other day and I just reacted without even having to think about what to do. I was so grateful that I knew how to help him. I am sorry for the hurt that you feel and probably will always feel. We pray for you.
You're always in my thoughts. Today, in Relief Society, I heard something shared that I want to pass along to you. I will either send it in a letter, or give it to you when you get here (I am sooo excited to see you all!). Anyway, when I heard it, I thought, "wow, I want to share that with Michelle and Jessica." So, I will. Love you. Ralae
I've been thinking about Gavin a lot lately. I will send you and email with some thoughts.
I know this won't comfort you Michelle, but it won't be very long before your arms will embrace Gavin again and you will be shocked that it came faster than you thought.
I can't imagine how hard it must be on some days for you. I can only partly sympathize. Know that we think of you and pray for you. Such a cute little guy. I'm grateful for my CPR/first aid training I have had just in case, although I haven't had much need for it thank goodness. I probably need a refresher though it was a while ago that I was certified.
We love you, Michelle and Jaron and have you and your babies in our thoughts today. You are such a wonderful, careful mother. God bless you.
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