This is a letter to my son, I have not tried to make it happy, so be forewarned. I waffled weather to publish it or not. But this is for my record and they are the feelings that I am having, and since I struggle writing in a journal, this is the only place I keep record. So don't feel like you have to read.My Little Love,
What words I would say to you today. My heart aches to be near you. To hold you in my arms and feel your sweet kisses, rub noses with you, nurses you how you always liked it. I miss you today. I miss you every day, but today, what I would give.
I've been reading other Angel Mom's blogs, they help me. They know this hurt and some of the things that they say make me feel not so weird. One of them said that if they had one wish, it would be to have her little one again, and I thought, what would my one wish be? And I decided that my one wish would be, that you would know how much you were treasured here. If I could tell you how much you were loved. You were valued. Words are inadequate to express to you my hearts love for you. Please know that I would've given anything for you. You were such a blessing in my life. If ever I took you for granted I ask your forgiveness. My little son, I love you more then words could ever express. You were my Joy here on this earth.
I am trying to be grateful for what I have, but it's been hard. It's hard because I think that I would trade the things I am grateful for, to have you again. I am grateful for food, but I would never eat again to hold you again. I am grateful for shelter, but I would live in the grass to kiss you again. I am grateful for music, but your laughter was the sweetest music there was. I am grateful for clothes to keep me warm, but how you warmed my heart was sweeter by far. I miss you, Gavin.
It's been getting so much harder. I thought time was suppose to heal, but my "time" must be broken, I guess. Every day further from the last time I held you in my arms, and yet the grief is the same. How is that even possible? How is it that one comment, one memory, one item, can take me back to that day you left to quickly, and nothing about the hurt has changed? My little love, please know how your daddy and I loved you. We had such dreams for you.
Please be near. Don't leave us yet, to accomplish other great things. I need you still. If these tears that I shed will be returned to me 100 fold with Joy, then that must be a great day. I have shed so many tears. I never thought that I would be here. Help us to be worthy of that GREAT day when we will take you in our arms again. Please just know how much I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Stay near my sweet son.
Yearning for that Great day, and with all the Love there is
Your Mama
14 comments:
My heart just aches for you. I'm sure Gavin misses you so much too. Wish I could say or do something to take your pain away. Know you're still in my prayers.
Oh Michelle...
My tears are falling for you and of course for me. For all of us that have to go through this hell. I didn't know pain like this existed. My grief seems to have gotten worse too. You asked me how I do it--I don't know. I don't know if how to live anymore. I don't know what to think, what to feel, how to go on. Time passes so slowly and I hurt so much. I'm so sorry you lost your sweet little Gavin. There are things in this life that seem to difficult to bare, too unfair. I wish I understood. All I have is hope. Hope that our tears and ache will be compensated like you said. It seems so far away.
You and I are in the small majority, it seems, who lost their first and only child. In same ways I think it is harder. Our homes and our arms are literally so empty. If you were here now I would hold you and just cry.
"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself with be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."(Rev. 21:3-4.)
Michelle your letter makes me long for the day when the Savior will come again. I had a quote on the board last week it said in the resurrection all our loses and sorrows will be made up to us. What a great day that will be. Your heart will be so full in that day with the love you will receive from Gavin. Love you.
I am sorry for intruding and reading such a personal, sweet letter. It is beautiful in a sorrowing heart kind of way.
It made me think of the family presentation at Temple Square that we went to the weekend before Bridget died. I held her in my arms, only six days before she would be life flighted, only to die a week later. We went back on the day she died, this time of course, she was no longer in my arms. And there was the couple talking with their sweet newborn baby girl, asking what the most important thing is they could teach her. And the "answer" was that she was loved, and that she was a child of God.
It's hard for us as mothers to know if we taught them those important things. I had an experience with Dominic as he was on life support in the hospital, when I didn't want to say goodbye. I had had a meeting with our Bishop, and he asked, "what does Dominic want" when I was repeatedly saying **I** don't want him to die! I stopped to ask him, and I was privileged to hear his reply. "Mommy, you taught me to obey. Don't you want me to obey, mommy?" I understood what he meant. That he was being asked to progress from this veil of tears. He was concerned about me, and he did wait with us those days while I was trying to accept that he had to leave us.
I haven't had very many opportunities to feel him near me. Nor his sister, Bridget. As I read your letter, I wanted to add my plea to your little Gavin: "Please stay near your mommy and daddy."
My heart broke as soon as I saw the title of your blog. I am also confused with time healing the pain because each month on the
11th it seems like it hurts more and more. This past month I even felt the sensations of my milk coming in again (it was all from emotions.)
I also noticed your wish would not be to take Gavin away from the mission he chose to accomplish.
Gavin will always cherish you for allowing him the opportunity to do such a marvolous work. Instead of becoming bitter you have embrace this mission and have chosen to find joy in your journey.
May our missionaries work hard while thier away because we want mamma boys when we are reunited.
My heart aches for you. I am sorry.
That was beautiful, made me cry. Thanks for sharing with us. That will be such a GREAT day when we can see and hold our loved ones again.
Oh Michelle. I'm not a crying type but I've got a few tears over here for you and little Gavin. I can't believe how strong you are and pray for you guys all the time. Keep the memories and dive into them all you need - I feel like I meet Gavin each time you put a post on like this.
OH Michelle.
I wish there was something I could do. Wish wish wish. I just cry for you. I love that you share your raw emotions, and the truth. YOu teach me to be appreciative of every sweet moment with all the people we love. You are an angel and Gavin is so lucky he is yours forever.
Michelle,
I'm still praying for you. I miss Gavin too! I loved how he looked like a little man even when he was a baby! I remember holding his little hands at the hospital and marveling over how long his fingers were! I loved looking into those newborn eyes and seeing the innocence and beauty behind them. I loved watching him grow and I wish that we had lived closer so I could get to know him even better. If there's one thing I am sure of, I know he knew he was loved. How could he not with you and Jaron (and Jessica) loving on him ALL the time! I remember that when he was a baby, I used to have to ask Jon Mark to tell you all that I did in fact want a turn to hold Gavin before we went to leave. You're a great mommy, and he is blessed to have you as his mom. I'm grateful that Gavin was sent to us and that I have the special privilage of being an auntie to someone so precious.
My heart aches for you. But knowing we will all be an eternal family one day helps me. I am sending you something in the mail, so look for it. I hope you and Jaron know how much we love you and think of you often.
Oh Michelle,
What a beautiful letter...my heart aches for you and each of us that have been called to go through this most difficult of trials. It's beyond hard. Know that you are loved and I think of you often. Your Gavin is near...I just feel like they have got to be near to us. And I'm sure your sweet Gavin is so proud of you. I just have to tell myself to take it one day at a time....that is all I can do and someday there will be compensation for the million tears that have been shed. I really didn't know I was capable of shedding as many tears as I have the past year. Sending you a hug.
Love you!
Andrea
I weep for you and your little Gavin. May your arms be full soon. Not a replacement. No one will replace him. But full of love for another precious spirit.
Oh Michelle, that you so much for sharing your deepest, rawest feelings here. Your letter is beautiful. Sweet Gavin is wonderful. Death is awful. It's heart wrenching. I feel like it was just yesterday I stood in your shoes of desolation, desperateness. I don't know, but somehow, the skies became blue again. Trust me when I say the utter pains of death have washed over my body just as they are yours now. Time does heal. However, I wouldn't tell anyone this, if they didn't all ready realize it like you said in your post, the pain gets harder before it gets better. You are in the depths of grief my dear. Just hold on. Hold on tight to any faith you have, even if it wavers at times, just hang on by a thread if that is all you have left. One day, you will feel peace with this. I haven't accepted James' death, but I am at peace. I will never be okay that he died. I will always wish it were different, but I can say I am at peace. I don't have that inner turmoil constantly anymore. One day love, you will feel peace too. Don't rush yourself, take it easy, take care of yourself, cry as much as you need to, and don't ever compare yourself to others and think you should be doing something different. The Lord is preparing to teach you the most marvelous lessons in the next few years. You are a sweet, loving, wonderful soul. So much love to you Michelle.
xoxo
*Michelle*
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