My Days

I know, I know it's been forever since I last updated. My days have been very full. School has been overwhelmingly taking up much of my time. Good thing that Jaron is a Biology major or we would never spend any time together. As it is, he tutors me for about 8 hours a week, when I have a test. (so every other week). I haven't done anything fun recently. Just school. Naps. Cereal. I think the lack of attention that Jaron is receiving is affecting him. He started growing a beard. I think that he is beginning to turn into a full fledged mountain man. If he starts to avoid human contact then I'll get him help.



I don't know why but my days have been filled with missing Gavin. Just the smallest things trigger this immense grief that floods me. Every time I see a police car or hear an ambulance I start bawling. (That's dangerous, since I'm usually driving somewhere) And it takes me back to that day. Then I usually have to drive to Costco so Jaron can hold me until I can breath again. Or drive over to my sister in law Tiera's to hold her little "Chasey Bug". It's just so weird how the smallest insignificant things can stop me in my tracks. School has been rough in that instance. The things that people say, unknowingly, that take my breath away. It's just a weird thing that is impossible to describe. Grief is a funny thing. How is it that it can literally steal your breath, that physically it really feels like this weight is crushing down on your chest, and breathing, just breathing takes effort. Sorry for the downer guys. Maybe that's another reason I haven't been blogging. But here is a quote that I've wanted to share for awhile (maybe it'll make up for the downer) It's in a book written my Neal A Maxwell, caller "All these things shall give thee Experience and be for your good."...

"Time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course, but whereas the fish is at home in water, we are clearly not at home in time- because we belong to eternity . Time, as much as any one thing, whisper to us that we are strangers here."

That is how I feel. I am a stranger here, and losing Gavin has made that so much more evident. This is not my natural sphere, it is with my Father in Heaven. (and my little love)

(This is my favorite picture of Gavin and Jaron. I think it's because you can see how much they actually look like each other)

And here is a picture of me at almost 23 weeks ( 5 1/5 months) Thought I would put that one in just for fun. Hopefully I've moved into the "oh she's pregnant phase" instead of the" is she pregnant or weird fat??" Who knows:)