OUR LOSS

Sunday night we lost our beautiful baby boy at 8:45 p.m. All day on Sunday he was really cuddly. He has started to run a 102* fever, but he didn't act that much out of the ordinary. He was playing with Jaron and having fun with us. But if he bumped his head or if he tripped then he would cry more than usual and need lots of luvs. I gave him Tylenol and called the doctor. He told me to give him Tylenol and motrin every three hours alternating between them. I did that around 1 pm. At 7 pm as I was getting him ready for bed, I was nursing him and took his temperature again and it was 102.1* and he started to shiver. So I called the Doctor again. He told me that it was not a significant change and that shivering was normal once your temperature was over 100*, and not to worry. So I nursed my sweet baby until he fell asleep and I laid him down for bed. 25 minutes later, just 25 minutes later I came back to give him his next dose of medicine and when I turned him over his lips were blue. I yelled for Jaron to call 911 and I started CPR on him. A neighbor came shortly after to help. And an eternity later the ambulance arrived. A man came and scooped my baby up and ran away with him. I chased after him but he was faster then me and the ambulance was leaving by the time a got to the front door. Jaron and I jumped in the car and took off for the ER, It has never taken so long for us to get somewhere in my life. Another eternity later we got to the ER, I ran in to the window and told the woman that my baby had come in not breathing, and I heard somebody gasp behind me, and I was angry at them. A woman took Jaron and I back to the room where they were working on Gavin, and they let us watch. There were 10 people standing around him trying to bring him back, but I couldn't watch after awhile. My heart was breaking too much and too fast. So I left the room. 5 minutes later the Doctor came in and told me that my son was dead. That they had tried everything they could and that it had been an hour and there was nothing more they could do. My heart broke. They took me back to see him and they let me hold him, and there were tubes coming out or his mouth. I asked the nurse to take them out, but she said she couldn't, that the medical examiner had to see him before that could happen. But she cut them short for me. His lips were so blue. She told me that it was an honor to work on my son. And then they moved us to another more private room. And then they let me hold him until the medical examiner came and took him away from me. He was so cold when I handed him over. Holding him brought me no peace beacuse it wasn't him anymore. I knew when Jaron and I were going to the hospital, I told Jaron, that I could already feel that he was gone. When I walked in Gavin's room and started CPR I could feel that he was already gone. That he'd been gone for awhile before I even got there. And I was just gone for 25 min. A woman came to our room later while I was holding him and she took molds of his hands and feet. She cried a lot. And I was greatful for her. The policeman that was the first person there before the ambulance came, he waited in the emergency room the whole time. And when the medical examiner came to take my baby away, the policeman came in and he cried with us and he said sorry. And then they took my baby away. There was so much grief and numbness that followed. I felt so abandoned by my Heavenly Father, in my GREATEST time of need. But on Tuesday morning my family came. And my sister told me a story of a conversation that she and my brother had had, and it broke through my grief for a moment and I felt a measure of peace. My sweet baby boy was too PERFECT for this world. And he will return to me and he will be mine again when this troubled world is redeemed again by the PRINCE OF PEACE!!!!!